Since we last spoke……
Since my last article I have been through some significant events. First and foremost I have received great support and acceptance from my wife and many family members and friends since coming out to them. It was not easy, simple or quick but some months into our journey my wife agreed that seeing pictures might make it easier to put this part of my life into perspective and eventually to share her. Soooooo, it was a bit awkward for me and I was afraid she might not be able to accept how I looked. I opened my folder of pictures on my phone and had her try to identify me in a group photo. It took her a while and after finally finding the slightly blurry image of me in that larger picture, started to swipe through the album. She went through all of my pictures and stopped at one saying something very similar to, “This one says it all. The happiness is undeniable. I want to hang out with her.” There were lots of tears and very long hugs and now I have another (my biggest) advocate.
From our conversation, as best as I can recall it, “I was scared when you first told me about it. I didn’t know what it meant-for you, for us. I didn’t want US to end but there were times I didn’t think I could handle it and had conversations with myself that used the word “divorce”. I just couldn’t handle it, didn’t want to understand or anything. But then this past weekend something happened. I didn’t feel pressure from you to look at her picture (and I had previously felt a lot of pressure from you to learn more, read more) and I honestly liked what I saw. I saw the joy and the happiness in your eyes in that 1 photo shoot picture and that’s when it all came together for me. This is who you are and that’s ok, I accept it. I love you for you. I love you with every ounce of my being and I have to say that I love what we have together, our relationship, and our commitment. We have been through quite a bit but there’s no one I’d rather be with or share this with.”
Since my first chosen name of Jess was not good for my wife to hear, for personal reasons, we chose a new name; Miranda. An added benefit of this new name is that I can go by “M” if need be in order to reduce the challenge that some might experience not knowing how to refer to me depending on my presentation, the memory they may be discussing, or a reference to a future event that predetermines a particular gender presentation.
I am living in a dual-gendered world living as both male and female. I do not like my male mannerisms, or sounds, or features. I want to know what it feels like to be on HRT. Would there be significant changes in my emotional state? Would I perceive a different psyche or thought processes? Is there a stability I might experience as a result of the new balance in my endocrinology? What would it feel like to have breasts forming? Would that physical change be important to me? How does it measure against, or with the emotional change I might experience?
How would I start transitioning the way I dress in public? Can I start to wear heels at work or around town? Will my wife accept this, or will it be too much for her? What about makeup? Just a little eyeshadow, or liner, or blush? Everyone already knows I fully dress sometimes. My goodness, I have flown pretty! Been through TSA with male identification, dressed as a woman. I’ve spent multi-day periods in female mode. I have a therapist who has documented a gender dysphoria diagnosis for me.
The struggle comes and goes, as I am sure you have heard before. Honestly, the biggest fear I have is losing Anne. That’s even bigger than the struggle over whether transition is even the right thing for me to pursue.
How do we know if this is the right thing to do? There is no set of standards or criteria for determining if one should transition. What degree of “happier” are we looking for? I do not like hiding this from family. I do not like hiding this from anyone. Not that I want to shout it from the mountaintop, I just don’t like the feeling of catching myself before “letting it slip” or having to keep a secret from those that are suspected to be un-accepting. Sometimes I just want to throw caution to the wind and make a public statement of coming out.
I want to live on the outside the way I feel on the inside. That doesn’t mean that everything about me is black and white, aligned with the stereotypes of male and female that society expects. It doesn’t mean that I feel “girly” at all times. But isn’t that what most women feel too; just BEING at some times and being very feminine at others? I don’t think I can keep telling myself that I am “not female enough” or that I have to be a certain amount of female at all times. Just like I expect most women feel less or more feminine at different times, I do and will as well. But I feel that I am better off pursuing living female full-time, consistently, openly, personally, professionally, publicly. I am making this statement for myself, not to be a beacon for others, or as an example of strength, of as any kind of challenge to those who do not agree, understand, approve, or who would take action to stop me.
